I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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this isn’t threatening at all
socratic questions
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.