Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not