I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.