Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates