I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
WHO DID THIS?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.