[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.