They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.