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“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
the clam before the storm
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income