Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Breaking news:
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.