I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying