The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.