barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.