This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
my mind
You just read my mind
Oh my God.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
#Caturday
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me