her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!