For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.