You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
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If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.