Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.