Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?