[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
quarantine day 3
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.