Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.