“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Phonetics