her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
hmm conte-me mais
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
fr
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no