Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)