If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Broom by every window for quick escape.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks