people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You Might Also Like
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
What do you hear?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”