People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”