Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
We’ve come full circle
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
What
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*