“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
is this meant to deter me
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not