I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell