[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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I’m not stressed
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
DOOO EEEET
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.