A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
You Might Also Like
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
How to make infinite energy.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
blocked.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.