Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday