‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them