[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
A short story of betrayal:
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?