Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”