Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
what it’s like dating me:
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.