Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment