hmm conte-me mais
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Yes my dude
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
want me to check your oil?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.