The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
A short story about romance.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay