My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk