Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I mean…but I did
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
TODAY
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*