me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
This is why I hate group projects
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.