Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Pee pressure > peer pressure
We need more people like this.
Heroic Misunderstanding
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit