#JohnTravolta
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.