Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet