im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
giddy up Office Depot
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.