“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
buying dead houseplants to save time
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?