[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows