Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off