[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.